Ely Percy

DUFFY

Charlene fancies Duffy. She’s fancied him ever since third year when he got put in the same Computin class as us. Ah don’t know whit she sees in him though cause he’s pure sleazy an he fancies himsel an he only ever talks tae her when his pals urnae there. Ah’ve tried tae tell her a million times that he’s a waste a space an she should forget him an find sumdy else, but her answer tae that is tae sit an draw wee love hearts wi his name in the middle. 

She asked me tae ask him if he’d get aff wi her on Friday night. He said, Ah’ll consider it. It pure pisses me aff when he says that cause wan minute he’s intae her an the next he cannae be bothert, so ah said back, Whit’s tae consider it’s either AYE or NAW. Aw Kirsty, he said, You pure turn me on when yir angry, dae it again. Ah said, Get stuffed Duffy.

* 

DUFFY IS A HUNNY

DUFFY IS A BABE

CHAZZA AN DUFFY

CHARLENE BROON LUVS CHRISTOPHER DUFFY

TRU LUV 4EVER

CANNOT BE DESTROYED

DUFFY DUFFY DUFFY DUFFY DUFFY DUFFY DUFFY

* 

So widid he say then, said Charlene. Who. Duffy, she said, Widid he say when yi asked him. Nothin, ah said, He didnae say anythin. Yi did ask him dint yi but. Aye. Well he musta said somehin. He said he’d think aboot it. Well, she said, aw pure happy an stuff, That’s somehin innit.

Ah gie up on Charlene. She’s totally obsessed wi Duffy. Ah used tae think it wis bad when she fancied Wully McCoy an she had us trailin the length an breadth ae Moor Park jist tae find his hoose an the places that he hung aboot, but noo she might as well huv PSYCHO STALKER tattooed on her foreheid cause that’s the way she’s actin.

Last night she had us staunin doon the bottom ae Duffy’s close again fur two oors an the only reason his ma never chased us this time wis cause naebdy wis in. His ma had left a washin oot an it had startet rainin an trust Charlene tae be eyein up aw his boxer shorts. Kirsty, she said. NAW. Ah huvnae even said anythin yet. Well whitever it is ah’m no daein it, ah said. That’s charmin, she said, Some pal you are. Aye well ah know whit it is anyway, ah said, Yir gaunnae try an get me tae knock somethin aff his washin line. Naw, she said, Ah wis jist gaunnae say dae yi fancy a bag a chips. Aw right. But here d’yi hink his ma would notice if –

* 

Duffy has had his hair cut. He’s got it aw shaved right intae the wood except fur this wee stupit fringe bit at the front. It looks a right mess. Heh how’s about it sexy, he said tae Yvonne on the way ootae Biology. How’s about what, she said. How’s about you an me get thegether after school an study that reproduction stuff that Geggy wis talkin aboot. Christopher, she said, Away an play wi yirsel.

*

 Guess whit, said Charlene. Whit. Duffy said aye. Whit. He said aye tae me. Aye fur whit. Widy you think, she said.

Ah couldnae believe that Duffy said aye tae snoggin Charlene right after he tried it on wi Yvonne. Ah didnae know whether tae say anythin or no cause ah hadnae tolt Charlene, cause ah didnae want tae upset her. At the same time ah didnae want Duffy makin a fool ae her. Ah asked Yvonne whit she thought an she jist shrugged an said, Leave them to it. Then ah asked Clicky so’s ah could get a guy’s opinion an he said the same, so that’s whit ah did.

*

CHARLENE DUFFY

MRS DUFFY

MRS CHARLENE DUFFY

MRS CHRISTOPHER DUFFY

CHARLENE BROON – DUFFY

CHARLENE DUFFY – BROON

CHARLENE DUFFY CHARLENE DUFFY CHARLENE DUFFY

*

Charlene passed me a note in R.E. that said

Ah’m all happy now an ah’m sittin here imaginin me havin Christopher’s babies. Ah think ah’d like tae have two at least. We can call them Logan an Kyle if thir boys or Brogan an Manhattan if thir girls (that’s if the daddy agrees).

Luv an stuff from your pal

Charlene Duffy

*

Charlene’s pure depressed. She has tae babysit her wee sister the night so she cannae go oot an meet Duffy. Kirsty, she said, Yi know whit you could dae fur us. Whit, ah said, sure she wis gaunnae ask us tae dae somethin dodgy that might involve me climbin up tae Chris Duffy’s veranda at half twelve at night. Nothin, she said, Forget aboot it. Ah said, Jist tell us whit yir idea wis. Naw it disnae matter. Ah said, Charlene hen don’t gies it, an then ah made her tell me whit it wis.

Charlene gied me a note tae gie tae Duffy. Whit’s it say, ah asked. Never you mind, she said, an then she went aw coy. She wis meant tae meet him at seven a’clock roon the back ae the pivvy in the Robbie park an ah wis meant tae go in her place an gie him the note, but when ah got there ah saw him snoggin the face aff this lassie that goes tae Trinity High. Ah didnae know whit tae dae fur the best; ah wis gaunnae jist walk away an tell Charlene he wisnae there or somethin an then ah realised it musta aw been pure planned in advance an he wis jist tryin tae bam Charlene up; ah mean who arranges tae meet two lassies on the same night at the same time an at the same place, yi jist widnae.

AYE RIGHT, ah shoutet (ah don’t know why ah said that cause ah couldnae think ae anythin else tae folly it up wi but it soundet good at the time). Duffy pult away fae the lassie an wiped his lips on the back ae his haun. Right Kirsty, he said, pure grinnin lik a donkey, Whit you daein here an where’s Charlene the night, ah thought she wis comin oot. Ah wis pure growlin at him, an the lassie Duffy wis wi looked dead awkward (ah don’t think she knew whit wis gaun on); she’d her airm roon his waist still but he jist shrugged her aff an startet lightin up a fag. Charlene’s busy, ah said. Aye right, he said, Busy washin her hair. Somethin lik that, ah said. Aye well she badly needs a wash the wee tink, he said, Mind an tell her ah wis askin fur her.

*

Ah think yi should tell her man, said Clicky. Ah don’t think yi should, said Yvonne, Cause yi know what happens, the messenger always gets shot. Well ah think that’s bang ootae order him daein that. You’ve changed yir tune, ah said. Aye well, said Clicky, Ah used tae like Chris Duffy but noo he’s jist turnin intae a wee wide-o.

*

Ah wis gaunnae talk tae Charlene aboot Duffy durin basketball but ah didnae get the chance cause she wis busy gettin aff wi him inside the games hall cupboard. Afterwards, she wis aw pure hyper aboot it right up until lunchtime when Duffy an aw his pals startet sniggerin an laughin at her in the canteen. Duffy’s a moron, ah tolt her. Ah felt lik shit fur no tellin her right away aboot Friday night. You can do so much better than him, ah said. Aye ah know, said Charlene, But ah really really really love Duffy.

Ely Percy’s first publication was a letter-cum-poem in Big! magazine in 1994. Since then, they’ve released a memoir Cracked (JKP, 2002), graduated with distinction from Glasgow University’s MPhil in Creative Writing (2004) and contributed over fifty short stories to literary journals (e.g. New Writing Scotland, Scotsman Orange, The Interpreter’s House, and Edinburgh Review). Percy’s debut novel Vicky Romeo Plus Joolz was published in March 2019 by Knight Errant Press. Their second novel Duck Feet (Monstrous Regiment) is due for publication in summer 2020 - ‘Duffy’ is an extract from this.