James McDermott

Appearance

since you ran out I’ve been running on the
treadmill sweating out salt because I can’t

seem to sob it I force my heart to beat
me up to bully blood into pumping

02 to stop hypoxia to raise
my pulse because I can’t raise you I’m here

 for gains after all these losses to thump
my drum is the closest I can get to

 topping myself shrinking myself to skin
and bone like you I spot you in that gym

rat’s ponytail unliftable dumbbell
before I’d run for him but now I know

biceps burn to ash   statues will crumble
appearance is a synonym of ghost

James McDermott's collections include 'Father Myself' (Nine Arches Press), 'Wild Life' (Nine Arches Press) and 'Erased' (Polari Press). James's poems have been widely published in magazines and journals including Poetry Wales, The North, Magma, Butcher's Dog and Fourteen Poems. James is a lecturer in creative writing at the University of East Anglia.

James wrote this comment about his poem:

When my father died suddenly from COVID-19, as part of my grieving process I became a bit of a hypochondriac and obsessively exercised, joining a gym and taking up running. I wrote ‘Appearance’ to explore the possible reasons behind these behaviours. Enjambed lines are used to create a brokenness and a breathlessness, reflecting my themes of exercise, anxiety, grief and death.